What's that saying?
"We plan and God laughs..."
While I don't believe in a God that throws curve balls at us for a good laugh, I get the premise. In spite of our greatest intentions, sometimes life decides it needs our attentions elsewhere, and wants to offer us a greater scope with which to view things, a larger capacity for defining things like "health" and "wellness".
Truth is, I started out this year with big ideas of getting healthy, but mostly I wanted to lose weight.
And what life had in store for me had very little to do with weight, and everything to do with SELF-CARE.
Self-care has always been a novel concept that appealed to me. For years, I even thought I practiced it. I'd go get a massage from time to time or a mani/pedi and think... AHHH this is self-care.
And then what for years was an annoyance become a crisis... chronic pain that I'd been 'managing' (ie, ignoring) decided it was no longer willing to be ignored.
I was thrown right off my horse... there was no getting around this. The pain has been so intense and so consuming that it has affected every area of my life: fitness, relationships, work, sex, dance. It at times has caused me to be depressed, angry, and not much fun to be around. I've cried. I've prayed. I've tried to numb and escape with less than loving tactics.
And now, as this physical pain intensified, and screamed so loudly for attention, I finally started tending to it. Seeking treatment again, experimenting with various healing modalities, stretching, pharmaceuticals, emergency room visits, an inversion table... you name it. All at once.
With all this attention, the pain got WORSE. I had taken such an aggressive approach that the inflammation increased. I was told by my providers to cease certain treatments, to take it easy. calm down, slow down, allow myself to heal.
"Slow down." I've been getting this message for years.
Working with my Life Coach, Jeanie Smith, I had an incredibly important breakthrough. I came face to face with a shadow quality that had basically been running my show for my entire life. That I must "DO" - perform - to be worthy of love. That I must produce, constantly. That if I wasn't doing, I might disappear. I learned at an incredibly young age (2, to be specific) that performing made them love me. Dancing on stage for audiences as a toddler, I felt most visible and most loved when I was doing. And this was still the case. Jeanie lovingly held space for me while I cried through this realization. And then, she coached me through a process of lovingly returning to that two year old girl and letting her know that she didn't have to do a damned thing to be worthy of love. She was worthy simply by being. How much of my life has been driven by this? And what would my life be like if I simply allowed myself more BEING, without DOING?
"Slow down." The message has became loud and clear. Sometimes slowing down requires action, oddly enough. I released what I was ready to release. I began to seriously invest (I'm talking money here) in my healing. I have taken actions as if I was someone completely and fully committed to her healing.
And while it's now June and I haven't lost a pound, in fact, I'm pretty sure I've added a few since kicking off SacredSexyHealthy, I've also made important changes- make that CRITICAL changes- in the way I live, eat, work, exist, think and relate.
So my "plan" to lose a bunch of weight, tone and become a 'health nut' hasn't really unfolded the way I'd intended, something else is happening... something even more important than how I LOOK...
I am tending to the needs of my body like never before.
I am listening.
I am committed.
This has become the focus of my wellness journey.
I wanted to reinvent myself but my notions were askew. I am being reinvented, that's for sure. Into someone that radically loves and cares for herself. I am finally committed to me. And I'd say that's pretty healthy.
Thank you to all who have been supporting me on this path- Melody Williams, Brenda Briscoe, Hillary Arrieta, Jeanie Smith, Betty Murray, Jenny Bair, Audra Whatley and my beloved friends and family who love me just because, and I don't have to DO anything for their love!
Oh, and the hidden gifts the chronic pain has given me? Don't even get me started! That's for another blog. ;)
How have you committed to your self-care? What have you been releasing on your wellness journey? How are you experiencing healing? I want to know.
photo by Modern Noir Studios
"We plan and God laughs..."
While I don't believe in a God that throws curve balls at us for a good laugh, I get the premise. In spite of our greatest intentions, sometimes life decides it needs our attentions elsewhere, and wants to offer us a greater scope with which to view things, a larger capacity for defining things like "health" and "wellness".
Truth is, I started out this year with big ideas of getting healthy, but mostly I wanted to lose weight.
And what life had in store for me had very little to do with weight, and everything to do with SELF-CARE.
Self-care has always been a novel concept that appealed to me. For years, I even thought I practiced it. I'd go get a massage from time to time or a mani/pedi and think... AHHH this is self-care.
And then what for years was an annoyance become a crisis... chronic pain that I'd been 'managing' (ie, ignoring) decided it was no longer willing to be ignored.
I was thrown right off my horse... there was no getting around this. The pain has been so intense and so consuming that it has affected every area of my life: fitness, relationships, work, sex, dance. It at times has caused me to be depressed, angry, and not much fun to be around. I've cried. I've prayed. I've tried to numb and escape with less than loving tactics.
And now, as this physical pain intensified, and screamed so loudly for attention, I finally started tending to it. Seeking treatment again, experimenting with various healing modalities, stretching, pharmaceuticals, emergency room visits, an inversion table... you name it. All at once.
With all this attention, the pain got WORSE. I had taken such an aggressive approach that the inflammation increased. I was told by my providers to cease certain treatments, to take it easy. calm down, slow down, allow myself to heal.
"Slow down." I've been getting this message for years.
Working with my Life Coach, Jeanie Smith, I had an incredibly important breakthrough. I came face to face with a shadow quality that had basically been running my show for my entire life. That I must "DO" - perform - to be worthy of love. That I must produce, constantly. That if I wasn't doing, I might disappear. I learned at an incredibly young age (2, to be specific) that performing made them love me. Dancing on stage for audiences as a toddler, I felt most visible and most loved when I was doing. And this was still the case. Jeanie lovingly held space for me while I cried through this realization. And then, she coached me through a process of lovingly returning to that two year old girl and letting her know that she didn't have to do a damned thing to be worthy of love. She was worthy simply by being. How much of my life has been driven by this? And what would my life be like if I simply allowed myself more BEING, without DOING?
"Slow down." The message has became loud and clear. Sometimes slowing down requires action, oddly enough. I released what I was ready to release. I began to seriously invest (I'm talking money here) in my healing. I have taken actions as if I was someone completely and fully committed to her healing.
And while it's now June and I haven't lost a pound, in fact, I'm pretty sure I've added a few since kicking off SacredSexyHealthy, I've also made important changes- make that CRITICAL changes- in the way I live, eat, work, exist, think and relate.
So my "plan" to lose a bunch of weight, tone and become a 'health nut' hasn't really unfolded the way I'd intended, something else is happening... something even more important than how I LOOK...
I am tending to the needs of my body like never before.
I am listening.
I am committed.
This has become the focus of my wellness journey.
I wanted to reinvent myself but my notions were askew. I am being reinvented, that's for sure. Into someone that radically loves and cares for herself. I am finally committed to me. And I'd say that's pretty healthy.
Thank you to all who have been supporting me on this path- Melody Williams, Brenda Briscoe, Hillary Arrieta, Jeanie Smith, Betty Murray, Jenny Bair, Audra Whatley and my beloved friends and family who love me just because, and I don't have to DO anything for their love!
Oh, and the hidden gifts the chronic pain has given me? Don't even get me started! That's for another blog. ;)
How have you committed to your self-care? What have you been releasing on your wellness journey? How are you experiencing healing? I want to know.
photo by Modern Noir Studios
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