If I knew that by mid-March I would still be struggling with 'rules' and would not have even come close to making the progress I wanted to make, I wouldn't have started this SacredSexyHealthy thing. See, what I thought, by going public with my journey is that somehow, the journey would be easier. With a bunch of people watching, how could I fail? I imagined the extra weight dropping off, and a new, energized, more 'perfect' me would emerge and inspire 'the world' to make healthy changes in their lives, yada yada yada.
I did a Cleanse in January. I enlisted support of Living Well Dallas, I bought a Fluidity barre system, I made some big changes for a couple weeks at a time... but I am still struggling, and it doesn't matter if anyone's watching. In fact, just as succeeding in front of people is awesome, struggling in front of people is just embarrassing. Discouraging. Disheartening.
I'm not giving up. I'm readjusting.
Yesterday, I wrote to Jenny Bair, the Passioneer of Purpose and co-founder of Living Well Dallas, as she checked in on my progress...
Discouraged and a little sick of myself. I'm having a hard time sticking to any change. Looking forward to getting started with Jean (Vance, Debbie Ford coach) this week and getting to the bottom of my self-sabotage silliness with this health stuff... Struggling a bit. :(
And she wrote me back something that jostled me just enough to create a small shift, which as we all know, is sometimes all we really need:
Accept yourself as you are. Accept Accept Accept.
Easier said than done! But I know what self-acceptance feels like. I've been there before. What if this SacredSexyHealthy thing, with all of its great intentions, has moved me away from self-acceptance, in my striving and efforts to be healthier? And is it possible to be/do both, simultaneously??
I've been doing that thing... that thing I used to work hard not to do - that "when I ___ , then I will be happier... then my life will be perfect..." thing. In the meantime, beating myself up and shooting myself down when I miss the mark! That, my friend, is the opposite of self-acceptance!
I have a hard time toggling the line of self-improvement while practicing self-acceptance. They seem contradictory, in a way.
But then again, self-acceptance is not resignation...
I do know this:
- Regimented rules and routines don't work for me. Choosing choice by choice makes more sense: What does my body want right now? What does my body need? Not what does this piece of paper say I should eat right now?
- I have a terrible (secret) habit of equating my WEIGHT LOSS with success. It's how I measure progress. Sure it's one measurement tool, but just one. To think I am not succeeding, when in reality, I've made MANY great changes since January seems a bit twisted. How is that I allow that stupid number on the stupid scale to determine my success, still, after all these years of inner work?
- Beating myself up isn't working for me. It hurts and makes me tired. I lose momentum... it's like cutting rips in my hot air balloon. I am simply trying not to sink, instead of traveling effortlessly on the winds of love and kindness.
- My weekend "anything goes" policy toward careless drinking and eating affect way more than a number on the scale. My state of being, my mind and well-being are at stake.
- I am worth making good choices.
- Focusing on the feelings I want to experience is much more loving and kind approach, that I think I will respond better to.
- I would rather be healthier and wildly in love with myself than 'perfect".
And of course, I'm not being unrealistic about the perfect thing... I know there is no such thing.
But I also know that I've been thinking of my wellness path and eating right, primarily, as a pass or fail thing.
On a "good day", when I "pass", I'm somehow more worthy of my own love and affection. I think nice things about myself.
On a bad day, when I "fail", I'm shit. The only promise or hope or consolation is that tomorrow will be 'better'... I will behave. I will do better. I will be a good girl. I have no nice words or names or thoughts toward myself. In fact, quite the opposite. I am downright mean.
Do you see the madness here?
So I'm revamping and trying something different on my wellness path.
First of all, I will think of letter grades when it comes to how I do each day, and I won't just think of what I eat, or how I fail... but I will take into account the nice things I do for myself, the way I care for my body, if I spend time moving, etc... and assign a letter grade for the day... today, so far, I have a B+. I'm going out to eat later with a friend which might lower me to a C... but a C is still okay. It's not 'pass or fail' anymore.
I'm going to make choices focused more on self-love than striving for this version of me I may never be. I will care for myself as if I am in love with myself. Not trying to whip myself into this thinner version. And why does it matter to me so damned much? This stupid 20 pounds has robbed me of so much joy.
I recommit to a healthier life. Imperfect, but healthier.
I recommit to self-kindness.
I recommit to recommitting.
And I trust the process, as 'imperfect' as it's been... and what if that, in itself, is PERFECT!?
Join the conversation: SacredSexyHealthy Facebook Group
Artwork by Eva Carter
I did a Cleanse in January. I enlisted support of Living Well Dallas, I bought a Fluidity barre system, I made some big changes for a couple weeks at a time... but I am still struggling, and it doesn't matter if anyone's watching. In fact, just as succeeding in front of people is awesome, struggling in front of people is just embarrassing. Discouraging. Disheartening.
I'm not giving up. I'm readjusting.
Yesterday, I wrote to Jenny Bair, the Passioneer of Purpose and co-founder of Living Well Dallas, as she checked in on my progress...
Discouraged and a little sick of myself. I'm having a hard time sticking to any change. Looking forward to getting started with Jean (Vance, Debbie Ford coach) this week and getting to the bottom of my self-sabotage silliness with this health stuff... Struggling a bit. :(
And she wrote me back something that jostled me just enough to create a small shift, which as we all know, is sometimes all we really need:
Accept yourself as you are. Accept Accept Accept.
Easier said than done! But I know what self-acceptance feels like. I've been there before. What if this SacredSexyHealthy thing, with all of its great intentions, has moved me away from self-acceptance, in my striving and efforts to be healthier? And is it possible to be/do both, simultaneously??
I've been doing that thing... that thing I used to work hard not to do - that "when I ___ , then I will be happier... then my life will be perfect..." thing. In the meantime, beating myself up and shooting myself down when I miss the mark! That, my friend, is the opposite of self-acceptance!
I have a hard time toggling the line of self-improvement while practicing self-acceptance. They seem contradictory, in a way.
But then again, self-acceptance is not resignation...
I do know this:
- Regimented rules and routines don't work for me. Choosing choice by choice makes more sense: What does my body want right now? What does my body need? Not what does this piece of paper say I should eat right now?
- I have a terrible (secret) habit of equating my WEIGHT LOSS with success. It's how I measure progress. Sure it's one measurement tool, but just one. To think I am not succeeding, when in reality, I've made MANY great changes since January seems a bit twisted. How is that I allow that stupid number on the stupid scale to determine my success, still, after all these years of inner work?
- Beating myself up isn't working for me. It hurts and makes me tired. I lose momentum... it's like cutting rips in my hot air balloon. I am simply trying not to sink, instead of traveling effortlessly on the winds of love and kindness.
- My weekend "anything goes" policy toward careless drinking and eating affect way more than a number on the scale. My state of being, my mind and well-being are at stake.
- I am worth making good choices.
- Focusing on the feelings I want to experience is much more loving and kind approach, that I think I will respond better to.
- I would rather be healthier and wildly in love with myself than 'perfect".
And of course, I'm not being unrealistic about the perfect thing... I know there is no such thing.
But I also know that I've been thinking of my wellness path and eating right, primarily, as a pass or fail thing.
On a "good day", when I "pass", I'm somehow more worthy of my own love and affection. I think nice things about myself.
On a bad day, when I "fail", I'm shit. The only promise or hope or consolation is that tomorrow will be 'better'... I will behave. I will do better. I will be a good girl. I have no nice words or names or thoughts toward myself. In fact, quite the opposite. I am downright mean.
Do you see the madness here?
So I'm revamping and trying something different on my wellness path.
First of all, I will think of letter grades when it comes to how I do each day, and I won't just think of what I eat, or how I fail... but I will take into account the nice things I do for myself, the way I care for my body, if I spend time moving, etc... and assign a letter grade for the day... today, so far, I have a B+. I'm going out to eat later with a friend which might lower me to a C... but a C is still okay. It's not 'pass or fail' anymore.
I'm going to make choices focused more on self-love than striving for this version of me I may never be. I will care for myself as if I am in love with myself. Not trying to whip myself into this thinner version. And why does it matter to me so damned much? This stupid 20 pounds has robbed me of so much joy.
I recommit to a healthier life. Imperfect, but healthier.
I recommit to self-kindness.
I recommit to recommitting.
And I trust the process, as 'imperfect' as it's been... and what if that, in itself, is PERFECT!?
Join the conversation: SacredSexyHealthy Facebook Group
Artwork by Eva Carter
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