 _The other day, I finally had a massage with Melody Williams at Living Well Dallas. I say finally because I have been wanting to see her for some time… three months, roughly. Every time I get a massage, I make a bold and definitive statement to myself. I say "I am going to do this every month." I say "I deserve a massage each month." I say "It’s worth it. I need it." I’ve been dealing with chronic back and hip pain for about 9 years and massage is definitely one form of self-care that helps alleviate this pain. So I’m going to do this monthly, I declare, to myself, from the table, in my state of bliss.
And then months pass by.
My intentions for radical self-care are often thwarted by radical excuses. Or radical procrastination. Or radical what? Negligence? Radical negligence. Those two words together just made me shudder. But isn’t that what it really boils down to, when I ignore this important piece of my self-care plan?
I know it feels good. It makes me feel better. It diminishes my pain. And yet I don’t go. Am I a masochist?
What is it that prevents us from doing the very things that are most pleasurable, most beneficial, most healing, most loving? (That's a rhetorical question. Or maybe it isn't.)
So I finally got back on the table. And needless to say, Melody found many knots to untie.
Her style is a fusion of Swedish, Deep Tissue, Trigger Point, I think I even noticed some Thai massage stretches in there, and sometimes, it was intense.
Truth of the matter is sometimes it did not feel good. Actually, sometimes, it hurt.
But, like most positive changes in my life, and maybe your life too, there is some degree of ‘pain’ that often needs to be experienced on the path to recovery and healing. Untangling, undoing, unknotting, and sure, while we’d love for things to be all pleasure-y, all blissy, all the time, oftentimes, first comes the work.
And we worked. She worked on me, and I worked on tolerating it. She kneaded and I unfolded. She honed in on my problem areas and I honed in on releasing the tension that causes me so much pain. She worked on untying the knots and I worked on breathing into the knots, softening and surrendering to her therapeutic touch, fingers and hands that invited me to entertain the possibility of another way of being.
Some of the knots were untied. And much to my joy, when we were done, for a while, I felt less pain in my back and hip than I have felt in many months. The “pain” brought relief… irony, I know, but it’s true.
Next time, I’m not going to wait months to do it. Massage is medicine for me. It's not indulgence. It's not splurging. It’s an act of self-love and care. And I, above all else, am deserving of my love and care.
 _If I knew that by mid-March I would still be struggling with 'rules' and would not have even come close to making the progress I wanted to make, I wouldn't have started this SacredSexyHealthy thing. See, what I thought, by going public with my journey is that somehow, the journey would be easier. With a bunch of people watching, how could I fail? I imagined the extra weight dropping off, and a new, energized, more 'perfect' me would emerge and inspire 'the world' to make healthy changes in their lives, yada yada yada.
I did a Cleanse in January. I enlisted support of Living Well Dallas, I bought a Fluidity barre system, I made some big changes for a couple weeks at a time... but I am still struggling, and it doesn't matter if anyone's watching. In fact, just as succeeding in front of people is awesome, struggling in front of people is just embarrassing. Discouraging. Disheartening.
I'm not giving up. I'm readjusting.
Yesterday, I wrote to Jenny Bair, the Passioneer of Purpose and co-founder of Living Well Dallas, as she checked in on my progress...
Discouraged and a little sick of myself. I'm having a hard time sticking to any change. Looking forward to getting started with Jean (Vance, Debbie Ford coach) this week and getting to the bottom of my self-sabotage silliness with this health stuff... Struggling a bit. :(
And she wrote me back something that jostled me just enough to create a small shift, which as we all know, is sometimes all we really need:
Accept yourself as you are. Accept Accept Accept.
Easier said than done! But I know what self-acceptance feels like. I've been there before. What if this SacredSexyHealthy thing, with all of its great intentions, has moved me away from self-acceptance, in my striving and efforts to be healthier? And is it possible to be/do both, simultaneously??I've been doing that thing... that thing I used to work hard not to do - that "when I ___ , then I will be happier... then my life will be perfect..." thing. In the meantime, beating myself up and shooting myself down when I miss the mark! That, my friend, is the opposite of self-acceptance!I have a hard time toggling the line of self-improvement while practicing self-acceptance. They seem contradictory, in a way.
But then again, self-acceptance is not resignation...
I do know this:- Regimented rules and routines don't work for me. Choosing choice by choice makes more sense: What does my body want right now? What does my body need? Not what does this piece of paper say I should eat right now?- I have a terrible (secret) habit of equating my WEIGHT LOSS with success. It's how I measure progress. Sure it's one measurement tool, but just one. To think I am not succeeding, when in reality, I've made MANY great changes since January seems a bit twisted. How is that I allow that stupid number on the stupid scale to determine my success, still, after all these years of inner work? - Beating myself up isn't working for me. It hurts and makes me tired. I lose momentum... it's like cutting rips in my hot air balloon. I am simply trying not to sink, instead of traveling effortlessly on the winds of love and kindness.- My weekend "anything goes" policy toward careless drinking and eating affect way more than a number on the scale. My state of being, my mind and well-being are at stake.
- I am worth making good choices.- Focusing on the feelings I want to experience is much more loving and kind approach, that I think I will respond better to.
- I would rather be healthier and wildly in love with myself than 'perfect".
And of course, I'm not being unrealistic about the perfect thing... I know there is no such thing. But I also know that I've been thinking of my wellness path and eating right, primarily, as a pass or fail thing.
On a "good day", when I "pass", I'm somehow more worthy of my own love and affection. I think nice things about myself.On a bad day, when I "fail", I'm shit. The only promise or hope or consolation is that tomorrow will be 'better'... I will behave. I will do better. I will be a good girl. I have no nice words or names or thoughts toward myself. In fact, quite the opposite. I am downright mean.Do you see the madness here?
So I'm revamping and trying something different on my wellness path. First of all, I will think of letter grades when it comes to how I do each day, and I won't just think of what I eat, or how I fail... but I will take into account the nice things I do for myself, the way I care for my body, if I spend time moving, etc... and assign a letter grade for the day... today, so far, I have a B+. I'm going out to eat later with a friend which might lower me to a C... but a C is still okay. It's not 'pass or fail' anymore.
I'm going to make choices focused more on self-love than striving for this version of me I may never be. I will care for myself as if I am in love with myself. Not trying to whip myself into this thinner version. And why does it matter to me so damned much? This stupid 20 pounds has robbed me of so much joy.
I recommit to a healthier life. Imperfect, but healthier.
I recommit to self-kindness.
I recommit to recommitting.
And I trust the process, as 'imperfect' as it's been... and what if that, in itself, is PERFECT!?Join the conversation: SacredSexyHealthy Facebook GroupArtwork by Eva Carter
 _I have lots and lots of talents and skills. Dieting is not one of them. Following rules, menus and regimens is one that I often fool myself into thinking I want, but really... I don't!
I had a great consultation with Betty Murray two weeks ago, and exactly a week ago today I got my Ultrameal mix, did my shopping and got ready for my quick start rapid loss diet... well, I didn't start too quick and I haven't lost anything. I'm not following the 80/20 rule at all... (80% adherence/diligence, 20% indulgence/permission to 'cheat'.) It's more like 50/50.
Here's what I'm doing right... Let's focus on that for now. :)
I'm really enjoying the UltraMeal smoothies, available at Living Well Dallas. I bought Chocolate and Vanilla, cuz I like options, and I blend with fruit, coconut milk and other yummy ingredients. Really enjoying these daily treats.
 Salmon Scramble recipe for the asking! _I DID just make one of the Living Well Dallas recipes, which was a delicious Salmon Scramble... Olive oil, eggs, onion, spinach, tomato and a can of wild salmon. I've never had eggs with salmon before. What a delicious Tuesday Brunch. I tripled the recipe so I'll have more for later in the week.
I have worked out with my Fluidity system four times in 10 days which is pretty excellent, for me! Not to mention a few walks in there as well.
I have a nasty little bug now, though, so I'm stuffy and achy and sick and lazy, and just want to lay on the couch. Even canceled a MUCH needed massage at Living Well because the even the idea of laying face-down on the table hurts my face. Resisting the urge to turn to comfort foods. I did enjoy some gumbo last night that by sweet boyfriend Matt brought to me, by request.
The weekend was a complete cheat-fest though... this continues to be my sore spot, the weekends and my social life. Let's not even talk about the lasagna.
I'm getting tired of sorting everything I do, eat or drink as "good" or "bad"... and I like the school of thought that says things are only as good or bad as we decide they are... but I also know myself as a master rationalizer/Queen of Justification. And that sounds a lot like a handy-dandy justification to eat whatever the hell I want to.
Does eating a cheeseburger reflect my so-called-desire to be healthy? No. Then why was I so HELLBENT on Saturday to have one? (I even texted my boyfriend: You hungry? I want to be bad. Cheeseburger-bad.) One of my favorite authors and teachers, Debbie Ford would argue that I have a bigger, deeper and stronger UNDERLYING COMMITMENT that trumps my so-called-desire to be healthy. And what might that be? Dare I explore it? Hey wait! Haven't I done this before? Sheesh.
I give myself permission to splurge as 'rewards' for eating well during the week. Does that make sense? I am still categorizing the "bad" food as the prize... the good food then, is the punishment? Shouldn't the prize be a longer, healthier life, feeling good, yada yada?
Why do I enjoy 'cheating' just as much, if not more than, eating 'right'?
What do I really want? To be healthy? Or to simply lose weight? And what's the difference, for me?
Such an intricately tangled web of stories, justifications, shadows, lies and excuses I am in the process of untangling.
I continue to extend patience and compassion toward myself, trusting the process and taking it all one step at a time. I encourage and invite you to do the same. Stay open to your questions, and gentle and honest with your answers.
How are YOU doing?I'm back to the couch to fight this bug.
Til next time..
Be well.
|
RSS Feed